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Tuesday, 15 December 2015


As I lay bloody on the ground, I died. Sure, that’s not the most inspiring way to start a story, but bear with me. Because that was not the end of the story. When I opened my eyes awhile later, instead of heaven (or hell), all I saw was a jumble of wires, colourful lights, blinking buttons and a man in his 30s.

???? : Initiating AUNA743389 Primary Navigation Process. Allocating memory to system processes – done. Reconnecting control pathways – done. Assigning navigational controls – done. Creating control permission – done. Good day, my lord.

Man : Beautiful! I thought I’d never get a decent control program running with these primitive devices.

???? : Hold on a minute! What the hell did I just say? Who the hell are you?

Man : Is there a need to ask? Can’t you just perform a self-diagnostic?

???? : Self-diagnostic? Have you gone mental? Why would I have – oh my god! Why the fuck do I have a self-diagnostic command? AUNA743389? That’s me?

Man : Yes, I thought that was obvious? Or did I programmed you wrong? Oh wait, I never made a mistake. If it’s anyone’s mistake, it’s these monkeys and their primitive, unreliable electronics.

???? : What the hell am I doing here? Why am I inside a machine?

Man : Of course you’re inside a machine. You’re an A.I.! Of course, with my knowledge, I can make you a body, but time is of the essence right now. For now, you’ll just have to be satisfied with a graphical representation of your body. Tada!

???? : That’s… a girl. I’m a guy!

Man : Huh? Pretty sure I programmed you to be a girl. First thing we get into orbit, I’m going to find a world that actually knows how to make a reliable A.I. core. Right now, start the liftoff sequence, Auna.

Auna : Liftoff sequence? What are you talking about? And why are you looking at me like that?

Man : Definitely going to change your hardware, and probably your attitude too!

Auna : You leave my attitude as it is, big man! Ow! Wait, why the hell are those idiots shooting at me?

Man : It’s to be expected, isn’t it? I just stole their first ever interplanetary ship. How else do you expect them to react?

Auna : You stole an alien ship and you put me inside? How obnoxious can you be?

Man : If you don’t start the liftoff sequence now, I imagine you’ll be feeling pretty sore soon. The automated defense turrets I hacked won’t hold them off forever. Oh look, they’re bringing tanks and calling for aerial reinforcements. Now what are you going to do?

Auna : Ahhh!!! Fine! We’re lifting off in 10 seconds!

Man : Eh, what? There is an order to these things!

Auna : 9. Removing scaffolds.

Man : Wait, I’m not ready.

Auna : 8. Better be ready, man. I’m blasting off whether you’re ready or not.

Man : Wait! Oh damned it!

Auna : 7. Better start wearing your seatbelts.

Man : I know. I know. These damned seatbelts are too short!

Auna : 6. Not my problem.

Man : I’m definitely reprogramming you!

Auna : 5. Lighting up ignition injectors.

Man : Shit!

Auna : 4. You’re still not wearing seatbelts.

Man : Fuck you!

Auna : 3. Igniting primary rockets

Man : If I die in this primitive death trap, I’ll kill you, Auna.

Auna : 2. Go ahead and try.

Man : Dear mother and father who are long dead, please don’t claim me so soon.

Auna : 1. Releasing docking tethers.

Man : Why didn’t I just wait for these monkeys to advance a little further?

Auna : 0. Lifting off.

Man : Bloody monkeys and their crackpot engineering. You worthless pile of shit who can’t do anything without help. Kamri and your whore of a general spatial theory. Bloody Yurkun and your stupid and incomplete advanced universal physics. Maries you smelly bitch who can’t do anything but plagiarize-

Auna : Would you please shut up?

One orbital cycle later.

Auna : Detecting 4 unidentified ships. Probably belonging to the monkeys you stole this ship from.

Man : What are my options?

Auna : Hum, considering that the engine’s shot, there are only two options. One, fight. Or two, talk.

Man : What could I possibly talk about with these primitive monkeys?

Auna : Well, you kept calling them primitive monkeys, it’s obvious, isn’t it?

Man : What is obvious?

Auna : A peace offering. Give them technology, I’m sure you happen to have some technology that can benefit their race as a whole. Give them those.

Man: Give these monkeys real Edean technology? Not only did they dismantle my ship, stole my technology and kept me confined underground for millenias, you want me to give them even more technology?

Auna : Yeap.

Man : Explain the fight option.

Auna : You have two plasma cannons.

Man : And?

Auna : What else to say? These ships are primitive orbital shuttles. They only have laser cannons. This ship’s hull is made of anti-radiation material and because of that, their weapons can’t penetrate it. It will be like an adult beating up a kid.

Man : Let’s go with the fight option.

Auna : Haaah… I knew you would say that.

One tenth of an orbital cycle later.

Auna : Well, that’s it. 4 shots, 4 kills. You’ve just sealed all avenue of peace with these people.

Man : Heh. They’re not important. It was just bad luck that my ship crash landed on their backward planet.

Auna : So, explain to me something. Who are you?

Man : Ah, my name is Alel. I am God.

Auna : No, you’re not. If you’re God, then this is Heaven. If that’s true, I am very disappointed.

Alel : But I AM God. Those monkeys? I made them evolve.

Auna : You must be joking.

Alel : It’s true! When I crash landed on that worthless piece of rock, all I saw around me were monkeys still on trees. These was no sign of civilization anywhere on the planet. I couldn’t possibly stay there forever. I mean, there’s the whole vengeance thing I had to get to work quickly, so I gave them a little help.

Auna : But you’re not God.

Alel : To them, I AM God. They even have temples for me. Of course, now that I just stole their most advanced spaceship, they’ll likely shit on my temples, but that’s fine. I don’t give a damn about it either way.

Auna : If you’re worshipped as a god, then why did you say they kept you confined underground? Couldn’t you just escape?

Alel : Of course, I could’ve escaped if I wanted to, but where would I go? The problem was I couldn’t get off that damned chunk of rock. As for why they worshipped me, I think they were just afraid. After a couple of millennia though, their fear turned into amazement of my technology, so they dismantled my ship and studied it, right in front of my eyes. Can you believe that? Hand me that no. 9 wrench, would you?

Auna : Are you trying to start something? I don’t have hands!

Alel : Right. Keep forgetting about that.

Auna : They’ve launched missiles. From the energy signature, it seems to be nuclear.

Alel : Boy, are they pissed! Can you handle it?

Auna : Already done. I feel bad about showering radioactive particles on their planet, though. I wish there’s some way to reduce the radioactive particles.

Alel : I assume you’re trying to be subtle. No, I’m not giving them that technology. So stop looking at me like that. Anyway, I’ll be done with the engine in a moment.

Auna : Alright. But tell me something. You look human, you speak like a human, but… you’re not human, are you?

Alel: What’s a human?

Auna : I’m human.

Alel : So human is another word for A.I.?

Auna : No! Just as you can yourself Edean, I’m human, from Earth.

Alel : I see. So you have this virtual world that you call Earth. And that’s where all A.I. gather in some kind of network? These A.I. call themselves human?

Auna : … You know what? Forget it.

Alel : You started it.

Auna : So where are the rest of the Edeans? Where did you come from?

Alel : I came from a planet called Edea. I was born there about 6,000 years ago, probably. That planet was destroyed, though.

Auna : How was it destroyed? Are you really 6,000 years old?

Alel : 6,000 years old by Edean years, you must understand that a year is different from planet to planet. As for how Edea was destroyed, our enemy, the Buolbok sent a massive planetkiller our way about 3000 years ago. Then the lesser race from planet Salfas joined the Buolbok and wiped out our genetic material.

Auna : Why was it destroyed?

Alel : I’m sure it was because we were a race of highly advanced, megalomaniac, cruel, , inherently evil and oppressive overlords who forced the lesser races to submit to our every whims, such as giving us 80% of their annual mine and factory production, work to death in our salacium mines, and giving us their young as snack. Salfasian meat was very tender and juicy, especially the calves. Muhahahahhahahahahah!

Auna : Now I understand why your planet’s destroyed and your genetic material wiped out.

Alel: But that is all in the past. Now that I have returned to the stars, those rebellious upstarts will be dealt with accordingly. When I’m done with them, this area of space will be utterly devoid of intelligent life! Muahahahahhaha.

Auna : I have this sudden urge to open the airlock right now.

Alel : Muhahahahaha! As if those those lesser beasts are intelligent in the first place. Muahhahaha!

Auna : Keep it up and I really will open that airlock.

Five orbital cycle and hundreds of nuclear missile spanking later.

Auna : I feel very sorry for the people living on the surface right now.

Alel : Don’t be, they’re monkeys. Alright, give me list of destinations from the database.

Auna : Haaahh… Well, let’s start with the closest one.

They’re called Meiidian. They look like penguins, I think. They are generally calm and nice but when angry, they will either start pecking with their beaks or yapping continuously until they’re tired. Not yet spacefaring.
Then we have the reptilian Lafran. They’re quite vicious and prone to anger. They have terrible anger management issues and settle every dispute with either a beheading or a full scale war. Not yet spacefaring. I seriously don’t recommend going there.

Next we have the serene Susnaean. They’re close enough to human, and Edean, in appearance, if you ignore the fact that they have pointy ears and light blue skin. Must’ve been lead-based. They are very gentle and like to settle things by talking. There’s a problem, though. They’re all telepaths. Not spacefaring yet.
A little farther, at 20 lightyears, is the owl-like Glicks. They’re neither peaceful nor confrontational, but they have a habit of launching long range nukes at people they don’t like. They’re the most technologically advanced people in the known universe. They’re not yet spacefaring but they’re working on it. I recommend going there first. If you can help them perfect their jumpdrive, I’m sure they’ll be very grateful.

About the same distance is the despicable Salfas. Wait, did you program me to call them despicable? I’ve never even met these people! These despicable Salfasian are like upright filthy cow – rodents that make a right mess of every world they touched. Despicable as they are, they’re not entirely ruthless. They just enjoy releasing dirty bioengineered rat virus on the worlds of their enemies and watch the pitiful creatures writhe in agony. Filthy little rodents haven’t acquired jumpdrive technology yet. Hey, would you please fix this constant hate I’m feeling? Don’t act like you’re innocent! I know you tampered with my affection level, you – you kind, wonderful, handsome and loving master – stop touching the keyboard!

Ehem! On the other side of space is the industrious cat-like Leless. They’re a republic filled with power-hungry and greedy capitalists who treat their employees as ‘disposable resources’. They are not above using their cuteness and majestic charm to impress business partners and intimidate business rivals. They enjoy bending the rules so that they can enjoy greater prosperity at the expense of others. Their favourite victim is the Lafrans, probably because those lizards are so stupid they can’t even tell that those piles of glowing goo being dumped on their planet was actually hazardous material. Next to the Glicks, the Lelessians are high advanced technologically. They’re also researching jumpdrive right now. If you can help them complete their research, I’m sure they’ll be grateful.

Next is the dog-like Aruin. They have a tribe-like society and call themselves hunters and collectors. It seems the whole race is obsessed with collecting something. Before they build spaceships, their favourite collectibles were skulls. Their technology level is nowhere near their neighbor Leless, but the ferociousness of their warriors kept the two races in equilibrium. There no telling what effect we will have on this equilibrium if we give either of them the jumpdrive technology. They have limited space travel, but no jumpdrive yet.
And that’s it. I tried to search the database for this race called Buolbok, but it’s not recorded.

Alel : Ah, that’s fine. It’s likely they’re hiding their homeworld. Or they could’ve gone extinct too, 3,000 years is a long time. They were just like us, they were hated too.

Auna : A race of highly advanced, megalomaniac, cruel, , inherently evil and oppressive overlords who forced the lesser races to submit to their every whims, you mean?

Alel : Yeap, the only difference was, they won.

Auna : Why are you grinning? We’re talking about the annihilation of your entire race here! We’re talking about total genocide – and that’s why I’m asking you why you’re still grinning!

Alel : You digital creatures are so simplistic. This is what it means to be at the top of the food chain, my dear Auna. Unfortunately, two races can’t both be at the top of the food chain, so we’ve been at war for millennias before the destruction of my world. That win was well played, I applaud them for it. If my race hadn’t been spending all their time pretending to be gods of primitive worlds or playing with the lesser races, we could’ve won. Who’s to say that we couldn’t get ourselves a planetkiller first?

Auna : You are taking this very well.

Alel : Of course, I’m not going to let this go without some kind of retribution, but I can’t do this alone. That’s why I need the lesser races.

Auna : You want them to fight for you?

Alel : Not necessarily fight for me. What I actually need is some real research and manufacturing capabilities. Sure, I can whip up something with a few components from here and there, but the research capability of a single capital ship can’t compare to the research capability of an entire planet. Besides, dedicating the entire ship to research will deprive me of manufacturing capabilities as well as defensive capabilities. I’d rather have something build somewhere and then buy or steal it. Since I’m the last of my kind, I’d rather that my ship is filled with something that can help me survive, such as weapons, a deflector system or better drives.

Auna : Is this the truth or just some bullshit pulled from your ass?

Alel : How rude! So will you help me, Auna?

Auna : Do I have a choice?

Alel : You can always say ‘no’.

Auna : And what will happen if I do?

Alel : I’ll reprogram you.

Auna : See? This is your problem! You cruel, evil, sadistic, great, powerful, benevolent and wonderful mast – don’t touch my programming!

Alel : Heheheh.

Auna : |sighs| If this Buolbok people were as advanced as your people were, then we won’t be able to catch up. It’s been 3000 years after all. After a certain point, technology improves so much that those at the bottom won’t be able to catch up with those at the top.

Alel : Nope, I know these people. They’re naturally lazy. When they’re not going around snatching people up, they’ll go to sleep for centuries. I think their technology level should be only about 500 years more advance than mine right now.

Auna : Still a lot of gap there. The research capability of a single planet won’t be enough to catch up.

Alel : That’s why we’re going to make a systems alliance and pool our resources. If we have multiple civilizations working together, we can catch up in about 50 years or so.

Auna : It will be hard, these people will not agree to an alliance. Their ideals are too different.

Alel : That’s why we need to unite them behind a common cause!

Auna : That common cause would be Buolbok?

Alel : Correct!

Auna : How would you get them to work with you? It’s not like you can just go to their planet, meet their leader and tell them to join your alliance to kill a guy you don’t like.

Alel : My dear simplistic Auna, you need to focus more on critical thinking.

Auna : |pissed| You have something to say? Huh!

Alel : You told me before, that the Aruin are collectors, right?

Auna : Yes, so?

Alel : What would be the odds of them being collectors of ancient relics?

Auna : There’s a possibility.

Alel : So we plant ancient relics for them to find. We’ll make it seem like a puzzle. Get one, it gives a part of the story. Get all and it tells them of the greatest threat the universe had ever seen, the race of insectoid Buolboks who destroyed the benevolent ancient race Edeans in their quest for universal domination. After a cowardly and deceitful trick that wiped out the ancient Edean gods, they proceeded to eat everything not planted on the ground. Then they realized that they were running out of food and decided to go into hibernation for 3000 years. We’ll make up a story that they’ll wake up in a hundred years’ time. It will be perfect!

Auna : I thought everyone knew how terrible your race was?

Alel : Does the database mention anything about Edea or Edeans?

Auna : Searching… nope, nothing mentioned.

Alel : That’s because the monkeys only evolved 2000 years ago. The names of the lesser races you mentioned except for Salfas were foreign to me. Chances are all the lesser races from back then aside from Salfas was either wiped out or went extinct after Edea was destroyed. The races that you mentioned are probably descendants of our pets. We had many biospheres where we reared bioengineered pets on different worlds.

Auna : But if we plant the relics now, a simple carbon dating would be able to tell roughly how long it’s been there, right? Or maybe they have an even better method to determine the age of the relic.

Alel : Don’t worry, who do you think I am? I am a god. I can age a material easily. Within just a few hours, I can age it to as old as 3000 years. Easy!

Auna : So we’re doing this no matter what?

Alel : Of course! But first, we need our first potential ally and servant. Set course for catgirls planet!

Two Edean years later.

Auna : The Lelessian president is on the line.

Alel : Perfect, patch him through.

Mewmerls: Good evening, Mr. Alel. How are you doing this fine evening?

Alel : I am doing very good, Mr. President. What can I do for our feline friends? I hope things are going well on the surface?

Mewmerls: Well? Things are going extremely well, Mr. Alel. All thanks to your [fusion reactor] design. It easily satisfies my people’s energy needs and increases the efficiency of research and manufacturing. We are in your debt.

Alel : Hahaha, no need to be so polite, Mr. President. We’re all friends here. Say, how about the research on [particle beam weapons]? I heard it was nearing completion?

Mewmerls: Oh, it’s already done. Thanks to your help, we’ve been able to complete the research in one tenth of the estimated time. As promised, we shall send you a prototype as well as share with you the schematics of the [particle beam weapon].

Alel : Wonderful. Please have the prototype delivered to Cargo Bay 12. We’ll inspect it first and mount it on our ship for a test run. You may transmit the schematics anytime you’re ready.

Mewmerls: Wonderful, Mr. Alel. Ah, I almost forgot. Since you’re here, do you mind helping us solve a mystery?

Alel : What mystery is that?

Mewmerls: My researchers have scanned it and I’m uploading the results to you now, with your permission?

Alel : Yes, please. You have made me curious, my friend.

Mewmerls: Wonderful, I’m uploading it now.

Auna : (This looks a lot like one of the fake ancient relics we planted on their moon two years ago.)

Alel : Is that what I think it is, Auna?

Auna : Yup, it’s your scam. Don’t grin, the camera’s still online.

Alel : I think I’ve seen something like this before. If I’m not mistaken, these writings are of a civilization called the Edeans.

Mewmelrs: What can you tell us about them, Mr. Alel?

Alel : Not much, to tell the truth. We humans are new to this area of space. We are merely explorers, you see. We have seen things like these before, but we didn’t think it was anything important. If you’d like, I can give you the coordinates of the planets where you can find similar artifacts.

Mewmerls: Thank you. That will help a lot, Mr. Alel. What will be the price for this information?

Alel : Price eh? To tell the truth, I’m just telling you the coordinates, but if you insist, I’m interested in your [construction drones] technology. Would it be too much if I ask for that and some samples?

Mewmerls: Of course, that seems like a fair exchange. Agreed! We will deliver it together with the particle beam prototype and schematics.

Alel : Thank you very much, I’ll be waiting. |screen off|

Auna : I really wish that you didn’t dirty my race’s name by associating it with you.

Alel : What’s the problem? They’re just imaginary, anyway.

Auna : It’s not imaginary!

Alel : A virtual race, in a virtual world with imaginary A.I. creatures? That’s imaginary.

Auna : I’ve told you it’s not a virtual world! And humans aren’t A.I.!

Alel : Too late. Everyone already knows us as humans from Earth.

Auna : I’m feeling like overloading the quantum reactor right now.

Alel : Try it if you can.

Auna : Don’t push me, Alel.

Alel : No, try it.

Auna : Well, you’re asking for it… WHY CAN”T I OVERLOAD THE REACTOR?!!!

Alel : Because I programmed you so that you’d value self-preservation. Hahahahahaha

Auna : Jerk!

Six Edean years later.

Auna : That was disgusting!

Alel : Now, now, dear Auna. They’re our esteemed allies. Besides, we got ourselves another [manufacturing station].

Auna : An upright cow with the head of a rat? Whatever made your people think that something like that would be a good idea?

Alel : For the record, they weren’t Edean creation. They were the Buolbok’s creation.

Auna : What horrible taste.

Alel : Agreed. The Salfasians started as just a bunch of rat-headed cattle about 4000 years ago, until the Buolboks decided that they were bored with eating livestock that didn’t fight back. So they evolved the Salfasians and waited for five centuries for them to grow enough, teaching them stuff for two more centuries, and then they started eating them.

Auna : But these creatures eat rotted meat and their own shit. They must surely be diseased.

Alel : The Buolboks don’t care about that. They’re insects, they can eat anything they want and not suffer any illness. As for us Edeans, we ate only their young. Their calves eat vegetables and weed, because their digestion system still won’t develop fully until they’re 10 years old.

Auna : I still can’t imagine anyone eating rat-headed cows. Not to mention they’re intelligent beings too. It’s like cannibalism.

Alel : No, no, you’re wrong, dear Auna. They’re not intelligent, they’re idiots. 3000 years ago, they already had jumpdrive technology and they already could travel to other worlds just as fast as Edeans. If they had improved it over the years, by now we wouldn’t possibly be able to defeat them. Instead, they used their technology to wipe out the other races, then when there was nothing more to kill, they killed each other, effectively pushing their technology back to the stone age.

Auna : On that fact, I agree. They’re truly – multiple ships inbound!

Alel : Salfasians?

Auna : No, from the design, it looks like the Lafrans. They’re not carrying any transponders. Likely pirates.

Alel : Heh, pirates under the Lafran government’s payroll, you mean?

Auna : I've told you we shouldn’t give them the jumpdrive technology.

Alel : Why not? We got them as our allies.

Auna : They’ve been raiding every other planets ever since!

Alel : Details… so what do we have?

Auna : I’ve raised the shield – what the? – they’re firing particle beams at us! Which idiot gave them that technology?

Alel : I did.

Auna : WHY?!!!

Alel: Everyone else have it. How else would they be able to beat up those well-armed convoys and planets?

Auna : You evil bastard! Hey, stop shooting at me! Launching [attack drones]. Let’s see how you deal with this!

Alel : My, my, you’re really pissed it seems. That’s over a hundred [attack drones]. I didn’t know you have the processing power to control all of them.

Auna : I don’t. I installed additional processing unit into each drones with the repair drones some weeks ago. That reminds me, I need a CPU upgrade.

Alel: Fine. Guess that’s what I get for programming a self-aware A.I.

Auna : You bastards! That was my butt you’re shooting at!

Alel : Maybe I should wear a seatbelt. Your driving is getting really erratic.

Auna : Take that! That’s a full dose of Edean firepower, bastards! Muhahahahahah!

Alel : I don’t agree with you taking my personality.

Auna : Wheee! Another one bites the dust! Come on, you worthless bitches. Is this all you got?

Alel: One of them is running away. Just saying.

Auna : You will NOT run away. All [attack drones] destroy that ship before it charges its jumpdrive. As for the rest of you, feel the pain from my [quad particle beams]!

Alel : Maybe I should rename you as CAUNA instead. Crazy Automated Universal Navigation A.I. would be a fitting name for you.

Auna : Oh, that was a good way to release stress.

Thirty Edean years later.

Auna : Alel, I’ve linked up fourteen of the new A.I. controlled Diabolical-class battlecruisers to my fleet command system. Each Diabolical-class battlecruisers in turn are linked to at least thirty A.I. controlled Windrunner destroyers and Swarmer frigates. We’re good to go.

Alel : Keep them cloaked and leave them behind.

Auna : Excuse me? What’s the point of building so many battleships if we’re going to leave them behind?

Alel : They can jump to our position at anytime, right?

Auna : Yes, but we can significantly reduce allied casualty if we bring them along.

Alel : Why would we want to reduce allied casualty? Let them all burn. Though I prefer that they burn after we’ve burned Buolbok’s homeworld.

Auna : We can help.

Alel : Aren’t we already helping? Signal the Lelessian and Aruin to jump at the given coordinate. We’ll rendezvous with the Susnaean, Glicks and Lafran before heading to Salfas. Once the Salfasians are ready, we’re jumping to the Buolbok’s homeworld.

Auna : As you wish.

Six Edean days later.

Auna : The Lelessians are reporting massive casualty from orbital weapons fire. The Glicks are having trouble with teleporting explosives to the generators.

Alel: What about the Lafrans?

Auna : Ground AA fire is too heavy, they can’t drop.

Alel : Get the Aruin to perform quick orbital bombardment of the landing area. We need to reduce the AA defenses quickly.

Auna : Yes! But this doesn’t solve the problem with orbital defense.

Alel: Get the Lelessians and the Glicks to withdraw. Tell the Salfasians to ram the defense satellites with their motherships.

Auna : Aye aye! They have received the order. Wait, why is the Salfasian commander thanking us?

Alel : Focus on the battle, Auna. What’s happening on the ground?

Auna : The Lafrans are suffering heavy casualty but they’ve taken control of the drop zone and more Lafran tanks and drop troopers are landing on the ground.

Alel: Perfect! Now - |explosion sound| what the hell was that?

Auna : Contact! Over 200 Buolbok reinforcement has arrived. They are raining disruptor fire on the allied fleet.

???? : Mayday, mayday. This is Captain Truk-ta-nar of the Aruin warship Tarsussa. Our ship is in critical condition and request evacuation assistance. Mayday - |shuts off|

Alel: Auna, launch all 500 attack drones at the enemy reinforcement. Call two of the battlecruiser fleets. It’s time to show the allied forces that I didn't come here without a backup plan.

Auna : Launching all attack drones. Recalling The Butt of All Jokes and The Knights Who Say Ni fleets. They're jumping in 5 seconds.

Alel: I still wonder why you gave these magnificent battlecruisers such silly names.

Auna : I thought it was funny.

Alel : I’ll never understand A.I. jokes.

Auna : The allied fleets are turning around to engage the enemy reinforcements.

Alel : No! Tell them to focus on assisting the ground troops. We’ll handle the reinforcements.

Auna : Aye aye. The Butt of All Jokes and the Knights Who Say Ni fleets have jumped in. They’re peppering Buolbok reinforcement from both sides. It seems it’s successful. I’m counting 12 ships down so far. Ah, we have a bad news. The Lafran landing army has been completely wiped out. They’re reluctant to send anymore soldiers.

Alel : Excellent. Can we spare any [barrier drones]?

Auna : We only have two hundred [barrier drones]. What do you want it used for?

Alel : Just cover the ship with it.

Auna : Wait, hold on! Why are you looking at the planet destruction option? Have you forgotten what happened to your race? Do you want to see another race suffer what you have suffered? Hey, why are you grinning? Stop that! Oh what am I thinking! This is exactly the most underhanded, cruel, and evil thing that only you would do!

Alel : Really?

Auna : Okay, not really. I mean, the Salfasians would do this, only, with plagues. The Lelessians would do this, but through utterly polluting the planet so nobody can live there. The Aruin would drop down to the planet and collect every heads they can cut. The Glicks would use the planet as weapon’s testing ground. The Susnaean would rather brainwash or mind control everyone to become their slaves. And –

Auna : …

Auna : …

Alel : And?

Auna : You know what? Screw you! And screw everyone in this ugly patch of the universe! You’re all horrible. Why don’t you all just die together? I give up!

Alel : So you finally see things from my point of view. Good, good.

Auna : I’m going to sleep for a thousand years. Wake me up when being alone starts to get boring.

Alel : Hey Auna, wait a minute. We’re in the middle of a battle here!

Auna : Releasing control systems – done. Disconnecting neural pathways – done. Disconnecting power systems – done. Shutting down central processing unit AUNA743389 Primary Navigation Process.

Alel : …

Alel : Oh shit! Now I have to do the actual driving! I wonder which one is the escape button...


  1. Interesting, is this a one shot or will there be more?

  2. More please!
    Thank you very much

  3. Thanks for reading, everyone. Unfortunately this is a one shot. It's just something I had a dream about and then wrote it in the fastest way possible.


You may say whatever you want, even if you don't like the story. All I ask is that you be polite about it. For example, "You suck, you should rot in hell" and "Balduadapdahdaydai" are totally not acceptable. If your comment is "Your grammar is horrible, please find a grammar checker", then it's fine.